Picking Up the Pieces
by IslandOfMisfits
Summary: After the patient commited suicide in front of her, Leslie Shay has felt nothing but guilt. Everything is piling up and she doesn't know what to do about it. Who will be there to show her the light?
1. Chapter 1

**Picking Up the Pieces**

AN: I just had to write something about Shay after the past few episodes. I totally see Kelly as being the person who ends up helping her through everything. I hope you enjoy!

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Blood. Blood all over. Blood on her face. Blood on her hands. Blood on her clothes. His blood everywhere. The blood of the man she couldn't save. The man whose death Gabby says is her fault. If only she would have let Dawson just do things her way. Then she wouldn't be a screw up. She wouldn't have his mangled head terrorizing every waking moment of her being. Her fault. His death on her hands.

She blamed herself. She wished she didn't but in her eyes there was no one else to blame. She was just a screw up. Her closest female friend blamed her, her newest girl friend stabbed her in the back by robbing her. She probably didn't even truly love her. She was probably just waiting for the right moment to steal from them. Why had she been that naïve as to give the girl her key? Everyone was gone. Who did she have left? What didn't she mess up?

Leslie jolted awake in bed, screaming bloody murder. Her eyes darted downward, landing on her hands, still picturing the blood. She ran to the bathroom and scrubbed away, trying to remove the scarlet stains that were nonexistent. Those images...they wouldn't leave. They wouldn't go away. And they were killing her from the inside out. Alcohol was her only respite and even that couldn't fix everything.

Her lifeless blue-green eyes did not leave her hands, nor did she stop scrubbing as she heard the bathroom door fly open. Of course he would check on her. Kelly. Lately he had been too distracted. Not paying attention enough to see how broken she was. Or maybe it was just the fact that she pushed him away and tried to keep him out of her business.

"Shay, you alright? What's wrong?" Kelly came to stand behind her. After 30 seconds of watching her still frantically washing her hands, he shut off the water and passed her a towel before turning her to face him. She was rocking on her feet slightly without even realizing it And her eyes were focused everywhere except his face.

"I'm fine, Kelly." He knew her well enough to know she was lying. He knew her well enough to hear the underlying pain in her voice. How had he ignored it? How had he let her go when she was slowly wearing away? When she was just beating herself up?

"No, you're not." He softly held her face between his large hands to get her to look at him. She was quick to pull away defensively.

"I'm a big girl, Kelly. I can take care of myself." She tried to walk past him but he blocked her path. "Kelly." She warned, her voice carrying no real threat. It sounded more like she was trying to hold back the dam of emotions and she could barely contain it. She had been struggling with it. Only Otis had seen her break and he promised not to tell. She didn't need anyone seeing her that broken. It wasn't who she was. She knew that. But it seemed to be what she had become. Broken. Shattered. Pieces that didn't seem able to be put back together. Could someone so beyond broken be fixed?

"Leslie, listen to me. You are not ok. You need help. That's my fault. I should have been here for you. I'm sorry. I'm here now. I promise. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not going to turn my back on you. I'm going to help you through this." His warm brown eyes searched her face for any reaction. There was a soft quiver of her lip but it stopped abruptly and her hardened eyes met his. He had called her Leslie. He never did that. It was always just Shay. It felt more natural. But here he was, trying to get through her cracking walls of defense.

"You did nothing wrong. It's nothing I can't deal with. I just need space right now and you really aren't helping with that." Kelly shook his head.

"No. It's not what you need. You need to be around the people who care about you. If you wanted to be alone why would you have picked up Devon at the bar? You wanted company to forget. You wanted a distraction-"

"Stop. Just stop." Kelly immediately went quiet seeing the tears gather in her eyes. Her chest heaved as she fought desperately to hold in the sobs. "I don't want to talk about her. I don't want to talk about any of it. I'm a screw up and I know it. So just stop, Kelly, please." She took a step towards him, hoping he would move now but he still didn't budge.

"It's not your fault. None of it is your fault. Devon, the patient who killed himself, not your fault." Something in Shay snapped. She ran into Kelly at full force, but he caught her in his strong arms and just held her tight as she beat her fists against his chest and tried to get away. Tears now streamed down her pale face. She couldn't hold it in anymore. Those emotions that she had been holding back were all coming to the surface.

"It is, Kelly. It is. I think so, Gabby thinks so.. I should've listened to her. He'd still be alive." Her voice cracked at the end and she all but collapsed in his arms. He easily caught her and slowly lowered them to the ground. Her head finding its way to his neck, and hands creating a vice grip on his t-shirt. One of his arms held her close as he stroked her hair soothingly.

"Gabby said that to you?" No matter how out of it she was, she still heard the surprise and anger in his voice.

"She was right. Don't get mad at her." Kelly shut his eyes to contain his anger and calm himself. He could feel her hot tears against his neck. She was so far gone. He had let her fall so far. And Dawson hadn't helped it any, even if it didn't mean anything.

"She didn't mean it. She just didn't know how to deal with the guilt, like you. So she placed the blame on you to cope. She was just upset. She knows it wasn't your fault."

Leslie didn't know if she was willing to listen to logic right now. Her heart didn't want to. Nor did her mind. They both felt shut down and drained of everything. Like there was nothing left. She felt dead inside, as if there was nothing worth living for anymore. Kelly. He would be ok on his own. He had people who cared about him. And Gabby, if she really did care, had Casey to be there for her.

"Shay.." Kelly's voice trailed off as he tried to catch her attention. She seemed lost in her own thoughts which could be a dangerous place right now. He couldn't lose her. He was going to fight for her even harder now. He was going to bring her back. He was going to pick up the pieces and make her whole again. She was his best friend after all.

"I'm just really tired. Can we talk more tomorrow?" She turned her face against his neck so she could actually look at him. Her eyes were now dry but they were red from crying. How could he say no to her?

"Sure. Do you want me to stay with you?" Her arms hooked around his neck as he picked her up and carried her to her bed, laying her down softly. He really didn't want to leave her, but knew he would be just across the hall if she needed him.

"I'll be fine. I'll come get you if I need anything." Kelly nodded. He tucked her covers around her and kissed her forehead, his lips lingering longer than need be.

"You know I love you, right?" His tone was nothing but serious. Her eyes locked with his and she nodded, forcing a smile onto her face.

"I know. I love you too, Kelly." Hearing her say it made him smile. She didn't hate him like she should. He would always try to be better for her.

"Get some rest." She closed her eyes and listened until she heard her bedroom door shut. Why did he have to care so much? She didn't want to hurt him, but she needed to figure some things out. He was going to be crushed.

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Kelly woke up the next morning with a smile on his face. He was going to do his best to cheer her up. After throwing on fresh clothes, he went downstairs and made pancakes and coffee, hoping to surprise her with a breakfast in bed. But when he got to her room she was gone.

"Shay?" He set the tray down on her bed and checked the bathroom. She wasn't there either. "Shay?!" Severide ran out of her room and went downstairs, finding Otis on the couch.

"Have you seen Shay?" Kelly asked, desperation in his voice. Otis shook his head.

"No, haven't seen her. Hey, did you hear her screaming early this morning? Is she ok?"

"Yeah, I heard. That was the last time I saw her." Kelly grabbed his keys and left out the front door. He tried calling her cellphone, but immediately got her voicemail. He cursed and ran a hand through his hair. Shay was gone and she was off the grid. What the hell was he suppose to do now? He had to find her. He couldn't leave her broken and alone. She wasn't thinking straight. He swore to god if she did something..he would never forgive himself.

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AN: well, i hope you liked it :) I don't know if I will continue it or just leave it as a one-shot. I have to think about that. Drop me a review :)


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Since you all asked so nicely, here's another chapter! :) thanks for all the follows, favorites, and reviews. I was blown away by the response to this. You guys are amazing! And to the reviewer who pointed out that Kelly's eyes are blue, thanks! I had it written down as blue but when i typed it early in the morning i put brown..teaches me not to work on things when i'm tired. And to the reviewer who mentioned how people were hating on Dawson for what she said to Shay: It's so true! Dawson didn't really mean it. People say things they don't mean when they are upset and in shock. People shouldn't be so hard on her.

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**Chapter 2**

Worry. It was all that was running through his mind as he rushed into the firehouse. Worry and Shay. His girl. His lost girl. Who knew where she was. She could've left at any point since he vacated her room early in the morning. What would have driven her to leave? He had been trying to help her. He thought that maybe he had done some good but maybe not. Maybe he pushed her further to the edge..Kelly dragged a hand through his hair and turned the corner into the locker room. Dawson. Just who he had been looking for. She had an adoring smile on her face as she watched Casey leave the room. Huh. So that ship finally set sail.  
"Dawson, have you heard from Shay?" Severide asked, stopping just a foot from her. A soft frown adorned the brunette's face as he asked the question.  
"No. I haven't spoken to her in quite a while. Figured she would tell you that." The emotion in Kelly's blue eyes was unable to be looked past. Gabby swallowed, about to ask if something happened, but he spoke first.  
"Shay is in the wind. I'm worried. My best friend is down for the count. Whatever happened between the two of you, just fix it!" Dawson's big brown eyes flashed with guilt and even worry herself. She never meant to actually hurt Shay. She was her friend. A very good friend.  
"What do you mean 'in the wind?" Kelly sunk down onto a bench and held his head in his hands. His voice was muffled but she still heard him clearly.  
"I saw her break last night. I tried to help her. I guess I didn't try hard enough. I woke up this morning and she was gone. She's out there somewhere all alone and hurting." He didn't move as she sat down next to him, her leg nearly touching his. When he looked at her he could see how their eyes mirrored each other's.  
"We are going to find her. I promise. I'm going to fix this." When she said it, he believed it.

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Shay was shivering despite the winter coat she wore along with her hat. She had her hands deep in her pockets as she walked, unsure really where she was going. Part of her just needed to get away but she knew there was no escaping herself. The self blame and hate that she placed upon herself. No one put it there. Sure Dawson had blamed her but she blamed herself before it was even said. That one chance she took to stand up and make a difference to help someone, that one chance, was a disaster. It was a failure. Maybe she just wasn't good enough. Like Gabby said, she wasn't the lead paramedic. She didn't have any right to take charge of the situation. She shouldn't have done it. Her logic was just flawed. Desperation kicked in. The need to show she was capable of more kicked in. And she had failed.  
The walk was doing nothing to calm her. There wasn't even much to look at in the cold weather. People were inside not out taking a stroll. The scenery seemed more barren like her mind and heart. She and the winter, they both had their parallels. Both seemed dismal and void of life.  
The river. It was what caught her attention. Something about it drew her to it. Her feet walked slowly on the bridge before stopping to lean against the railing. The water still flowed no matter how cold the temperature had dropped. It carried away the leaves that had spiraled down from the trees. Maybe it could carry away her guilt and the memories haunting her mind. She leaned her head down on her arms and let the tears fall. Was there anyway out of this? Was there even a way to save her? She couldn't grasp an answer.

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Where the hell was she? Damn it. He had already checked the usual places she would go before he had come to the firehouse. He had even checked everywhere close to their apartment.  
"Damn it, Shay. Where are you?" Kelly said quietly to himself. He put his keys in his pocket and continued on foot. Gabby had wanted to come with him but that would have been an issue if a call came in and only the new paramedic was there. So instead she was still at the firehouse calling Shay and leaving messages. He was surprised chief Boden even gave in to letting him search for her. Maybe because he had seen the look in her eyes and had seen how lost she had been.

No one wanted to lose Shay. She was missed at the firehouse. She was a central part of the family, never ceasing to bring a smile to people's faces. He always loved that about her. She had so much heart which both helped and hurt her. It helped her to connect to people but caused her to feel too much guilt when things went wrong. Kelly wished he could shoulder the weight for her. It was crushing her and dragging her down. When she fell she fell hard. Harder than most. But when she loved she loved stronger than anyone he knew. She was the heart. The heart of the firehouse and his heart.  
Severide rubbed his hands together to warm them. She was probably freezing cold by now if she was outside. He hoped she was inside somewhere nice and warm just drinking a cup of coffee...No.  
"Shay!" He shouted, running towards the bridge where she stood leaning forward over the rail. Please no.

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Gabby paced around in the common room. She had her phone held to her ear listening to the endless ringing. Again no answer. Again voicemail.  
"Come on, Shay. Just pick up." Dawson sighed and tried one more time. Her eyes met Casey's from across the room. He must have seen the weariness in them because he came over and grabbed her shoulder lightly, stopping her movements.  
"Severide is going to find her. She's going to be ok. It's Shay. She always pulls through." His voice was soft but carried the assurance she needed to hear.  
"Yeah, but she's never been this bad. I've never seen her like this. She's been reckless and destructive to herself. I'm sure I set it off by blaming her." Dawson missed Shay and she was scared for her. If only she had kept her mouth shut. Then maybe Shay wouldn't be that bad. Maybe then she would've actually let her help her get through this. Gabby would be lying if she said what happened didn't affect her too. But nowhere near as bad as her blonde former partner. Shay hadn't laid the blame on her. Shay would never do that. Casey was about to speak, probably argue with her, but she held up her finger to stop him so that she could leave Leslie a voicemail.  
"Hey, Shay. It's Dawson. Look, I know I said some terrible things. I didn't mean any of them. I was just feeling guilty like you and didn't think. It was wrong of me. Really wrong of me. It wasn't your fault. I need you to know that. I'm so sorry. Please call me back, Shay. I'm worried. We all are. Come home." Casey hugged Dawson tightly as she finished. She closed her eyes and hoped Shay would listen to the message even if she didn't call back.

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Alone. Shay felt so alone. There was no one here for her. She had tried to push them away. They didn't need to see her like this. They didn't need to deal with it either. It wasn't fair to them. Her hands gripped the railing tight as she leaned forward more to look closer at the running water through her glistening tears. She didn't even hear Kelly call out to her until he was right beside her, grabbing her around the waist, pulling her back.

"Oh thank God." He muttered, holding her tight and pressing his lips to her forehead. She said nothing and didn't move in his arms, knowing there wasn't much of a point. He pulled back and took her face in his hands like he had done early today.  
"Are you hurt?" He demanded, looking her over for any injuries. That got an answer out of her.  
"No. I'm fine." She sighed and looked him in the eyes. "What is it you want from me, Kelly?" He let go of her face and pulled her close again after feeling how cold she was. The look he gave her was one of pure bewilderment.  
"What I want from you? All I want is for you to be ok again, Shay. I was worried out of my mind. And you know what, so is everyone else. Especially Dawson. She's probably called you hundreds of times by now. You left without saying anything to anyone and you never answered your phone." She looked down at her pocket. She didn't even remember her phone vibrating. She had been that out of it. What would she have said if she answered anyway? That she was thinking about how empty she was? How part of her just wished it could all be over? She couldn't say that to them.  
"Well I'm fine aren't I? Nothing to worry about." Kelly couldn't believe how she was brushing this off so easily as if nothing had happened. It was like she wasn't realizing what she was doing to herself.

"Nothing to worry about? You were just leaning over the bridge railing a few minutes ago! What would you have done if I hadn't gotten here in time to grab you?" Shay shut her eyes and shook her head. He was yelling. Of course he was yelling. It wasn't because he we really mad. It was because he had been extremely worried. About her.

"I don't know, Kelly, ok? I don't know." There was no force at all in her voice. It was raw and worn down. She was done fighting. Just like she had been when he found her.

Severide held her even tighter. His eyes closed as he was now the one fighting back tears but failing. He could've lost her. He could have lost Shay.  
"Please hold on. I need you, Shay. We all need you. You have no idea how important you are or how much you are loved. Nothing has changed. We are going to fix you, ok? You are going to be alright again." Shay looked up at him when she felt him shaking. Oh god he was crying. She had made him cry. She brought a hand up to touch his damp cheek.  
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. Especially not you. I'm sorry." He opened his eyes and was met with hers. Here they were both standing on the bridge crying together. Weren't they a pair.  
"Just come home, Shay. Let us all help you. Please. Do it for me." Shay smiled a little and nodded. It was a start. It's all he needed. "Everything is going to be ok now."

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Kelly and Shay were just getting back to the firehouse when the blonde finally was listening to her voice mails.

Shay was silent as she listened but her blue eyes glistened with tears.  
"Dawson." She said quietly. Of course Gabby had just been upset. She had just been too much in shock to notice. Kelly parked and pointed to where Gabby was running out of the firehouse. Shay got out of the truck and met her half way in a bone crushing hug.  
"I'm so sorry, Shay." Gabby said, smoothing her hand over Shay's hair. She was alive. She was ok. She was all that mattered right now.  
"Me too." Shay and Gabby pulled apart and exchanged watery smiles. Everything was going to be ok like Kelly said. She was going to get the help she needed. She was back where she belonged. She had Gabby back. She was letting Kelly back in. Her heart and her head might still be messed up but at least she had her friends to help her through. She knew that in the end, she would be able to put the pieces together again because she knew she wasn't so alone.

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AN: aww it's finally done :) I hope you enjoyed it. pm me or leave reviews letting me know if you want me to write something taking place after this or in response to tomorrow's new episode. Or you can just leave me prompts :) thanks again! Oh and I just thought I would put as a side note that I listened to Scarlet by Brooke Fraser while writing this story as well as Run by P!nk. Both songs really inspired me to keep writing. You should check them out too!


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